Ian Morgan Kron is an Episcopal priest, a psychotherapist and a bestselling author. He wrote the foreword for \u201cTrue Companions,\u201d a new book by another psychotherapist, Dr. Kelly Flanagan. Kron tells of playing whack-a-mole with his own inner demons that wouldn\u2019t stay whacked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201c \u2018What is happening to me?\u2019 I asked my therapist,\u201d Kron writes in that foreword. \u201cHis answer gave me the vocation I\u2019ve been on ever since. \u2018You\u2019re waking up!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Well, I hope this read for you contributes to some kind of wake-up call to better understand the power of \u201cshame\u201d and \u201cblame.\u201d I contend that if we better understand that power, we can better decide whether to play \u2013 or stop playing \u2013 the Shame Game and the Blame Game. Each is a cruel game to play. Wake up to this truth-piece!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Consider this an alternative way for you to consider shame and blame. This summer, I wrote a letter to the editor trying to shame a Bonner County political group for unjustly attacking one of their own members. I \u201cshamed\u201d them in an attempt to make them feel guilty for their attitude. But I\u2019ve stopped playing the shame game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Shame and guilt are usually associated in our culture. So, here\u2019s a different look at the Hebrew Bible\u2019s understanding of shame. Adam and Eve experienced shame because they were naked (Gen. 3:11-21). But did God guilt them for being naked? No, God sewed clothing for them. God wasn\u2019t morally offended, but God did honor their shameful feeling. Not moral guilt, but something else caused their shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This story suggests shame doesn\u2019t result from what we do, but it\u2019s part of our basic identity as human beings. Wow! The story also suggests that our immoral behavior isn\u2019t going to stop God from loving us, but God loving us may positively impact our moral behavior. Wow again!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s bring a Jesus parable into this reflection. Matthew 13 tells the \u201cWheat and the Weeds\u201d story, where Jesus tells of weeds coming up in a field of wheat. But don\u2019t pull the weeds, he says, before the wheat is ready to harvest, or you might pull out the wheat also. In human terms, we are what we are, a contradictory mix of wheat and weed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When we can\u2019t deal with our own inner contradictions, it\u2019s easier to direct our shameful feelings into blaming others. Our attempts to shame someone, even ourselves, seem fair game when they\/we mess up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But maybe we\u2019re really talking about blame. We quickly blame someone, or ourselves, when a mistake has been made. Or we think a mistake was made.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Blame is based on someone else\u2019s assumed guilt. And since we\u2019re rarely courageous enough to admit our own responsibility, our participation in that mistake, we need someone to blame. Blame is running amok in the halls of Congress, state legislatures, in school board meetings, hospitals, even grocery stores \u2013 anywhere people are ready to angrily blame others about COVID-19 or some political controversy that fuels our anger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cShame\u201d and \u201cblame\u201d are cruel games. They\u2019re destructive efforts to avoid, deflect and project our own deniable struggles as humans onto others who struggle as much, or more, than we do. They easily become cruel efforts to somehow make us feel better \u2013 maybe less guilty about something we want to avoid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These games are transactional by their nature. The biblical witness isn\u2019t into transactions, but transformations. That only happens when we realize our games are twisted efforts to pretend we\u2019re God. We\u2019re not! Transformation happens when our innate human humility and goodness let us see God more clearly, so we can feel safe enough to see ourselves more honestly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Rev. Paul Graves<\/strong> serves as the chair for the Council on Older Adult Ministries for the Pacific Northwest Conference of The United Methodist Church.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In his latest post, Rev. Paul Graves describes \u201cshame\u201d and \u201cblame\u201d as cruel games which do not reflect well the biblical approach of seeking transformation. He writes, “They\u2019re destructive efforts to avoid, deflect and project our own deniable struggles as humans onto others who struggle as much, or more, than we do.” <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":22317,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[84,74,16],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-22316","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-nurturing-elders","8":"category-opinioneditorial","9":"category-pacific-northwest-conference"},"yoast_head":"\n