{"id":23357,"date":"2023-06-20T23:05:36","date_gmt":"2023-06-21T06:05:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/greaternw.org\/news\/?p=23357"},"modified":"2023-06-20T23:05:38","modified_gmt":"2023-06-21T06:05:38","slug":"battling-the-darkness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greaternw.org\/news\/battling-the-darkness\/","title":{"rendered":"Battling the Darkness"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>By Rev. Debbie Sperry<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"dropcapp3\">This year, I faced the most significant bout of depression I\u2019ve had in almost 15 years. For\u00a0nearly 25 years, I\u2019ve faced situational depression, which I\u2019ve come to later understand as grief.\u00a0\u00a0Whether it was \u201cdepression\u201d or \u201cgrief\u201d didn\u2019t really matter. It weighed me down, stole my joy, clouded my focus, convinced me I couldn\u2019t share my truth with others, and consumed me none the less. That type of pain, which for me feels like\u00a0<a>a suffocating<\/a>\u00a0darkness, can be hard to wrap your head around if you\u2019ve never experienced it. Amid it, it was hard to imagine one person I could call and talk to honestly and openly. The particulars of my struggle felt shameful. My struggle to offer compassion, give of myself, or look with eyes of empathy felt antithetical to my faith and my call as a Christ-follower, let alone a pastor.\u00a0\u00a0So, I didn\u2019t dare share my doubts or my hardened heart.\u00a0\u00a0And, as it always has, the darkness kept encroaching and pulling the air from my lungs, making my circle smaller and smaller.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In the Spring, I fought hard to write an Easter sermon. I knew I\u2019d see hundreds of people that morning, but I had to rally to find some good news I felt I could share honestly, given my state of mind. I struggled to proclaim the Good News of Easter when I barely felt any resurrection power in my own life.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019ve struggled to find my \u201cold self.\u201d&nbsp;&nbsp;Shifts because of the pandemic, a change of appointment, and various factors in my personal life added layers and layers of grief to my story, as well as layers and layers of depression. I\u2019ve had to work at moving through the sludge of emotion this year. Climatically, I had a scary night where I clearly saw how terrible I was feeling and how urgent it was to open doors to healing. I began to name my truth to a few trusted individuals timidly. I found a counselor. I found a counselor for a family member. I made some changes around me.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>One thing I\u2019ve found helpful in my journey is the phrase: \u201cIf you can\u2019t change your insides, change your outsides.\u201d When I want to feel better emotionally but can\u2019t quite get there, I organize my desk, sort the big stack of papers, or rearrange furniture\u2014I make a dramatic change in some location in my environment\u2014changing my outsides to remind myself that I can affect change to my emotions by how I engage with the world. I made sure I was eating to fuel my body and not to assuage my emotions. I was intentional about getting outside and in the sunlight. I tried to drink more water. I walked regularly and added cardio to help push out negative emotions. Those changes and the warming weather and longer days have brought new life, new hope, and more air into my lungs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m better\u2014much better, actually.\u00a0\u00a0I still have the deep roots I grieve from my last appointment, and the swirl of personal changes continues, but hopefully, there is an opening for more space for healing coming soon.\u00a0\u00a0Alongside feeling better, I\u2019ve been at various conference meetings and engaged with\u00a0colleagues\u00a0face-to-face. In those exchanges, I\u2019ve been reminded of rich and valuable relationships\u2014people I indeed could have called on when things felt so stifling and dark.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Recently, I connected with a local clergy colleague. We find ourselves both friends and colleagues and sharing openly and vulnerably comes easily. It\u2019s been a couple of months since we\u2019ve had a one-on-one, so there was lots of catching up and plenty of time. I confessed that it had gotten so bad that I had considered the worst and most permanent of ends to my pain. My friend said something that struck me as profound and true. He said, \u201cI think when we hit that point, maybe&nbsp;<em>something<\/em>&nbsp;has to die\u2014not us, but something\u2014maybe our view of self, or our expectations for ourselves or those around us, or our dreams.\u201d&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It was a helpful insight for me. I could almost feel an \u201camen\u201d rise from my soul\u2014an acknowledgment that much of what had been weighing me down\u2014grief, high expectations, a lack of grace for myself\u2014all needed to die in some way so that new life would have space.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>There\u2019s not a perfect ending to this story. It\u2019s just part of my ongoing journey of faith, which sometimes includes deep pain and profound grief. There\u2019s an ebb and flow in my life that helps me remember, especially when I feel desperate or hopeless, that it does get better. I wish there were a concrete timeline, but there isn\u2019t. But the new life I\u2019ve found after such tremendous struggles reminds me to hold onto hope. I also must remember to hold onto people who care and personal practices that make a tangible difference.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you\u2019ve struggled as I have, I hope you know there is hope, you are not alone, and there is something on the other side of the worst of it. And, if you ever feel you have no one you can turn to and tell your whole truth\u2014there is\u2014likely someone you know and love, and if that feels too risky, you are welcome to call me.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p><em><strong>Rev. Debbie Sperry<\/strong>&nbsp;serves as pastor of Wenatchee First United Methodist Church in Wenatchee, Washington.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In a post for the Clergy Wellness Blog, Rev. Debbie Sperry candidly shares of a recent bout of depression and the steps she took to work her way toward feeling better emotionally.    Reconnecting with a clergy colleague also helped to remind her of the importance of &#8220;rich and valuable relationships&#8221; when things feel stifling and dark.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":23359,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,16],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-23357","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-clergy-wellness","8":"category-pacific-northwest-conference"},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.1.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Battling the Darkness - Greater Northwest Area | News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/greaternw.org\/news\/battling-the-darkness\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Battling the Darkness - Greater Northwest Area | News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In a post for the Clergy Wellness Blog, Rev. Debbie Sperry candidly shares of a recent bout of depression and the steps she took to work her way toward feeling better emotionally.  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