{"id":24782,"date":"2026-04-20T14:13:56","date_gmt":"2026-04-20T21:13:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/greaternw.org\/news\/?p=24782"},"modified":"2026-04-20T14:13:58","modified_gmt":"2026-04-20T21:13:58","slug":"to-build-authentic-relationships-we-need-to-learn-to-authentically-relate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/greaternw.org\/news\/to-build-authentic-relationships-we-need-to-learn-to-authentically-relate\/","title":{"rendered":"To build authentic relationships, we need to learn to authentically relate"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">By Andrew Lang<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>A few weeks ago, Patrick wrote <a href=\"https:\/\/greaternw.org\/news\/what-is-your-change-theory\/\">an article<\/a> asking us to consider what our \u201cchange theory\u201d is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>How do we think change happens? And just as important, how are we actively engaging our change theory in our churches?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>He asks a <em>vital<\/em> question, because without a change theory, it\u2019s hard to know what to do in the face of injustice. Without a change theory, we might be aware of inhumane things happening in the world, which is an important first step, but we don\u2019t know how to effectively respond. Or we might notice harm in our neighborhood, but without a change theory, we can become frozen in inaction rather than emboldened to engage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>As individuals and as church communities, we need to grapple <em>honestly<\/em> with what our approach to change is.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In his article, Patrick shares a bit of his own change theory, pointing to the centrality of building \u201cauthentic relationships\u201d:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cI believe that authentic relationships \u2014 particularly those across difference \u2014 are a critical tool for changing hearts and minds. When relationships are authentic and open, the hearts and minds that change aren\u2019t preordained; they may be ours.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I find myself deeply drawn to this vision \u2013 and also aware of how difficult it can be to live into.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>How do I build relationships across differences when I get emotionally overwhelmed just reading the news?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>How do I build relationships across differences when I struggle to have hard conversations with people in my own communities?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>How do I build relationships across differences when I spend most of my time with people who agree with my way of seeing things?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>It strikes me that the first step to building authentic relationships \u2013 especially across differences \u2013 is to build our capacity for authentic <em>relating<\/em>.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In other words, these kinds of deep relationships don\u2019t just require willingness \u2013 they require us to build <em>capacity<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This looks like learning to stay present when a conversation gets uncomfortable, rather than shutting down or escalating; recognizing our bodily responses to conflict and engaging practices that help us stay in the moment; asking questions with curiosity rather than offering our declarations and judgments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And for pastors and other church leaders, it means creating structures that make this more accessible: holding intentional community conversations around tough and complex topics; engaging in training around how the nervous system works and what we can do to regulate in the moment; modeling (however imperfectly) the asking of deep and relevant questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If we want to build authentic relationships and create meaningful change in our neighborhoods, these are tangible practices and rhythms to engage with. They build our capacity to <em>relate<\/em> to one another with gentleness and <em>honesty,<\/em> not acquiescing or giving up our values, nor overpowering someone else with our beliefs and certainty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>And when we show up in this way \u2013 not to force change or win over others, but to remain in honest connection \u2013 the doors to authentic relationship and <em>change<\/em> begin to open.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p>In 2023, I published <em>Unmasking the Inner Critic<\/em> as a guide for progressive Christians navigating anxiety, self-doubt, and the stories we carry about ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It is a book about building our capacity so that we might become part of the change we seek to experience in the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m currently giving away 150 copies as a way of supporting this work in our communities. If you\u2019d like one \u2013 or a few for a small group \u2013 I\u2019d be happy to send them your way; <a href=\"https:\/\/www.andrewglang.com\/offerings\/p\/unmasking-the-inner-critic-free\">here\u2019s the link to order a copy (just pay for shipping.<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Author Bio: <\/strong>Andrew Lang is an educator in the Pacific Northwest and alumnus of the Living School for Action and Contemplation, where he studied under Richard Rohr, Cynthia Bourgeault, James Finley, Barbara Holmes, and Brian McLaren. Balancing the importance of inner work with activist practices that shape change and healing in our communities, he writes the weekly <a href=\"https:\/\/www.andrewglang.com\/\"><em>Gentle Change<\/em> newsletter<\/a> and regularly facilitates workshops and group spaces. He is the author of <em>Unmasking the Inner Critic: Lessons for Living an Unconstricted Life<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Knowing that injustice exists isn&#8217;t enough \u2014 we also need a theory of how change actually happens. Building on a recent article about change theory, Andrew Lang explores what it takes to build authentic relationships across difference. His answer: it starts with inner capacity. Learning to stay present, ask curious questions, and engage honestly \u2014 even when it&#8217;s hard.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":24785,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[74,16],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-24782","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-opinioneditorial","8":"category-pacific-northwest-conference"},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>To build authentic relationships, we need to learn to authentically relate - Greater Northwest Area | News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/greaternw.org\/news\/to-build-authentic-relationships-we-need-to-learn-to-authentically-relate\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"To build authentic relationships, we need to learn to authentically relate - Greater Northwest Area | News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Knowing that injustice exists isn&#039;t enough \u2014 we also need a theory of how change actually happens. 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